OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
