Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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