I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
