we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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