I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
