Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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