Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
