You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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