Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
