The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
