break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
