well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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