everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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