Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
