You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
