My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
