ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
