I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
