Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
