Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
