I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
