My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
