wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
