You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
