just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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