I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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