I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
