I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize