got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
