I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I faked an abortion last night.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
