Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your cock deserves a montage
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
BRING THE BAGELS
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
