I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
