Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
