I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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