I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
