where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
