i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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