You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
