Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I pour the whiskey from now on
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
