rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
