i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
