Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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