he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
