I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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