just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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