I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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