You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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