and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
be right there i have to get my cape
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
