He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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