I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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