i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
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my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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