i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
