dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
