he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
