from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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