I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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