No stitches, just platelets and will power
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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