remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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