i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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