did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
