the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
